How an Old Tree Helped Me Cope with Self-Doubt

Travis Bourdages, who suffered depression as a result of intense bullying, credits Klonoa 2 with helping him push past his insecurities and rejoin the world.

In elementary school I was what you would consider an outcast. I didn’t really have many friends, only acquaintances whom I spoke with during the lunch hour. As I moved up to high school, this social flaw followed close behind me. It wasn’t long before I was targeted by bullies.

My high school years weren’t kind to me, to say the least. Not a day went by that I wasn’t told how ugly, stupid, or gay I was. My self confidence was crippled by it. All that bullying planted seeds of self-doubt deep within me and even after high school, as much as I hate to admit it, that doubt grew and flourished.

With no confidence in my own looks, my own ability, and my own intelligence it was difficult for me to find motivation to put effort in to anything, including finding a job or going to school. This quickly led to a vicious cycle of depression. I was unmotivated because I was depressed, and I was depressed because I was unmotivated. I felt as though my life was going nowhere and I had no control over it.

So, naturally, I secluded myself in a place that I felt safe, which was video games. I always loved them ever since my father bought an NES when I was a kid. To me, games were an escape from my own depression and self loathing. In retrospect it’s interesting to reflect on how one moment in a single game caused me to confront my own depression.

That game was Klonoa 2: Lunatea’s Veil, an action puzzle game for the PS2. One stage in Klonoa 2 that really affected me was the snowy land of “Mira Mira”. Each piece of land in the game world was representative of an emotion like joy, or discord. Mira Mira was the land of indecision populated by beings who didn’t care for the outside world. Instead they secluded themselves in a labyrinth in which they could bask in memories past, because “why leave if you can keep re-living bygone days”.

It was at this moment that I couldn’t help but begin to look inward and spot the things I had in common with them. As the game progressed, a mirror that reflects memories revealed to me that one of the characters traveling with you (Lolo) had dealt with some bullying of her own, which made her doubt her own abilities. The mirror further revealed that Lolo used the main character, Klonoa, in order to gain a position of power.

Lolo is wracked by guilt, feeling as though she was betraying Klonoa’s trust and herself. Needless to say I felt a high amount of sympathy for this character even if our circumstances were a little different.

As the game progresses, the heroes meet an old talking tree who puts the main characters up to a test before they can gain what they came to acquire. During this test, Lolo gains her self confidence back and it is the old tree’s words to Lolo that still follow me to this very day:

“We Mira-Mirans are indecisive people. But doubt is a part of us all, that we can’t deny. But if you can accept doubt and move forward, everything will eventually fall in to place”.

Perhaps you might think that these words don’t seem like much, but at the time they were exactly the words that I needed to hear. Those words inspired me and put things in to perspective. I wasn’t alone, I never was. I kept them very dear to me in my heart. From that day, I tried to live by those words, and as weeks went by I became less and less depressed and more confident in myself.

Today I rarely get depressed, and I’m currently a year in to college on the path to becoming a game designer. Do I still feel doubt from time to time? Of course I do, but instead of wallowing in it, I push past it and throw myself into a world of new possibilities. I’m proud to say it’s my own abilities that have gotten me this far, and it all started with some simple inspiring words.

  1. geeks-in-service reblogged this from gamessavedmylife and added:
    do academic work...games. Great great tumblr.
  2. nostalgictonality reblogged this from gamessavedmylife and added:
    might actually credit...genuinely start caring about stories
  3. gamessavedmylife posted this